Usually when I say I will embrace positivity and all things light and wonderful a serious case of doubt, fear and anxiety follows. Despite knowing that the universe will challenge my resolve, I continue to state my desire to be positive and conquer the beast.
Why? Why do I risk this battle? This battle which will call into question my belief in myself and my drive and my hopes and my dreams?
I wish I had the answer, but I don't. I just know that I do enter into these battles almost as right of passage. It's as if I must call into question my resolve to succeed in order to prove to myself that I will not let the dark days kill my passion for writing and crafting books.
The Physicist has wisely learned to nod and say nothing when I wage these wars. I will be honest here: I'm not quiet about it. My CPs have learned to let me rant a bit and nod their heads then say it is the nature of the beast. My beast, my achilles heel is my impatience.
I am not patient. I like answers, results, follow through information in a timely manner. That being said, the flip side of this is that I provide all the above in a timely manner. I am fast, efficient, organized, driven, reliable, committed to giving my best. So if you hire me, you'll get a great worker. Or writer (hello? publishing world? can you hear me now?). Give me a deadline and I will meet it barring death or major catastrophe.
Trust me on this. I won't let you down.
But the writing world doesn't operate on Christine Time. It operates on a time wheel which I have yet to understand. I don't like this time wheel. It's maddening to me. And waiting. Oh, the endless waiting and waiting and waiting drives me insane.
Over the weekend--after embracing positivity--I had a huge meltdown over it. By Sunday I was ready to QUIT. Yes. QUIT. Seven plus years--four of them extremely high paced--of shooting for the stars, the moon, the sun. Countless dollars spent on conferences, contests, classes, workshops, membership dues, travel, proper clothing, paper, pens, office equipment, gas, hotels, postage. Hours upon hours slaving over stories that might never be read.
It all seemed like a grand waste of my time on Sunday. I ranted about my frustration. My beasts of fear and doubt raging through me and out of me in great bursts. I rebelled. I began shopping on-line. I went to stores and looked at pillows. I did anything BUT the writing.
The Physicist just nodded. He didn't try to fix it (good man that Physicist). The CPs just texted me with little one liners and LOLs and gentle reminders about how I can't control anything but the writing and submitting. And then I came to meet myself in the mirror of all my angst and anger and anxiety.
And I said to myself, OK, you've hit the lowest point. Now what? Well, there's nothing else for me folks.
I have to write. I can't not write. I want to win. I will find a new way to achieve my goals while continuing to work on the manuscripts. I will surround myself with positive, loving, understanding people who GET ME and MY DREAMS. I will not give up despite my weaknesses as a person and a writer.
I do embrace positivity. I also embrace the fact that sometimes I will need more than my own will to get through the dark days. I will need my friends and my support system in place.
Surround yourself with people who support you. Don't just embrace positivity. Embrace people who can be positive FOR YOU.