Monday, January 9, 2012

Resolved to Battle the Demons of Fear & Doubt

Usually when I say I will embrace positivity and all things light and wonderful a serious case of doubt, fear and anxiety follows. Despite knowing that the universe will challenge my resolve, I continue to state my desire to be positive and conquer the beast.

Why? Why do I risk this battle? This battle which will call into question my belief in myself and my drive and my hopes and my dreams?

I wish I had the answer, but I don't. I just know that I do enter into these battles almost as right of passage. It's as if I must call into question my resolve to succeed in order to prove to myself that I will not let the dark days kill my passion for writing and crafting books.

The Physicist has wisely learned to nod and say nothing when I wage these wars. I will be honest here: I'm not quiet about it. My CPs have learned to let me rant a bit and nod their heads then say it is the nature of the beast. My beast, my achilles heel is my impatience.

I am not patient. I like answers, results, follow through information in a timely manner. That being said, the flip side of this is that I provide all the above in a timely manner. I am fast, efficient, organized, driven, reliable, committed to giving my best. So if you hire me, you'll get a great worker. Or writer (hello? publishing world? can you hear me now?). Give me a deadline and I will meet it barring death or major catastrophe.

Trust me on this. I won't let you down.

But the writing world doesn't operate on Christine Time. It operates on a time wheel which I have yet to understand. I don't like this time wheel. It's maddening to me. And waiting. Oh, the endless waiting and waiting and waiting drives me insane.

Over the weekend--after embracing positivity--I had a huge meltdown over it. By Sunday I was ready to QUIT. Yes. QUIT. Seven plus years--four of them extremely high paced--of shooting for the stars, the moon, the sun. Countless dollars spent on conferences, contests, classes, workshops, membership dues, travel, proper clothing, paper, pens, office equipment, gas, hotels, postage. Hours upon hours slaving over stories that might never be read.

It all seemed like a grand waste of my time on Sunday. I ranted about my frustration. My beasts of fear and doubt raging through me and out of me in great bursts. I rebelled. I began shopping on-line. I went to stores and looked at pillows. I did anything BUT the writing.

The Physicist just nodded. He didn't try to fix it (good man that Physicist). The CPs just texted me with little one liners and LOLs and gentle reminders about how I can't control anything but the writing and submitting. And then I came to meet myself in the mirror of all my angst and anger and anxiety.

And I said to myself, OK, you've hit the lowest point. Now what? Well, there's nothing else for me folks.

I have to write. I can't not write. I want to win. I will find a new way to achieve my goals while continuing to work on the manuscripts. I will surround myself with positive, loving, understanding people who GET ME and MY DREAMS. I will not give up despite my weaknesses as a person and a writer.

I do embrace positivity. I also embrace the fact that sometimes I will need more than my own will to get through the dark days. I will need my friends and my support system in place.

Surround yourself with people who support you. Don't just embrace positivity. Embrace people who can be positive FOR YOU.


Pam Asberry said...

Been there, done that. More than once. ;-) All your advice was spot-on. I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!

Christine said...

Hey Pam, thanks for sharing. It is hard at times to step up to the plate. January is just a tough month for me in general. The post-Christmas let down, the cold and dreary weather, and the waiting for new things to spring forth.

Keeping myself surrounded by positive people and events helps.


KarenG said...

Awesome post, Christine! It's so hard to stay positive and on task when it seems pointless. That's when I look for tiny little successes to keep me going. I believe in you too! I believe you will find your star, and more importantly, your star will find you.

Christine said...

Hi KarenG: That is the best thing to say: you're star will find you. What a cool way to think about this crazy business. I am looking for little successes along the way. And I'm allowing myself time to slow down and process other stuff so my mind can noodle the new story.


Katherine Bone said...

Isn't this a vicious cycle we all tend to fall into, Christine? The only thing I can add is to be true to yourself. If writing makes you happy, do it no matter the result. Some agent or editor out there is perfect for you.

Keep the faith! ;)

Christine said...

Hi Katherine: Yes it is a vicious cycle and it seems we writers tend to fall prey to it during this month. Maybe it is because we are another year closer or another year further away. I don't know. I just keep writing. But TBH I have given myself permission to fritz the time away while I "wait" this week. I am reading and judging and redecorating the media room. Somehow that seems more productive to me. The writing will happen, but it's like my brain subconsciously needs to take a break to get to the next level.

Happy writing to you and all the best. I know you will do well!


Anne Gallagher said...

I hear you, been there, done that, not too long ago as a matter of fact. But I've found that it's just easiest to rage against the machine, sink into a depression, wallow for a bit, and then, eventually you climb out of it again.

Just get back on the ladder and start climbing up, one step at a time.

Christine said...

Hi Anne: Yes, I find it is best to surrender to the beast, fill the well with other stuff, then climb out to fight again. That's exactly what I am doing right now.

Hope your writing is going well and that the sales on your books soar!!


Gwen Hernandez said...

Oh yes, I'm usually upbeat too, but I have my down days. Like Anne, I wallow for a while. Then I get annoyed with myself, brush off, and get back to it. Because, really, what else do I have to do? What else can I do? I love this crazy writing thing. *sigh*

The great thing about wallowing? The writing will still be there when you're done. Enjoy the shopping!

Christine said...

Hi Gwen: Yes, the writing isn't going anywhere and we should give ourselves a huge pat on the back for making deadlines and meeting them with motivation and drive despite not being paid to do so. Even pubbed writers blow off their writing every once in a while. There's something to be said about letting the creative mind wander, get bored, get ready to attack the work again.

I know this will be a great year!