Resolved to Battle the Demons of Fear & Doubt

Usually when I say I will embrace positivity and all things light and wonderful a serious case of doubt, fear and anxiety follows. Despite knowing that the universe will challenge my resolve, I continue to state my desire to be positive and conquer the beast.

Why? Why do I risk this battle? This battle which will call into question my belief in myself and my drive and my hopes and my dreams?

I wish I had the answer, but I don't. I just know that I do enter into these battles almost as right of passage. It's as if I must call into question my resolve to succeed in order to prove to myself that I will not let the dark days kill my passion for writing and crafting books.

The Physicist has wisely learned to nod and say nothing when I wage these wars. I will be honest here: I'm not quiet about it. My CPs have learned to let me rant a bit and nod their heads then say it is the nature of the beast. My beast, my achilles heel is my impatience.

I am not patient. I like answers, results, follow through information in a timely manner. That being said, the flip side of this is that I provide all the above in a timely manner. I am fast, efficient, organized, driven, reliable, committed to giving my best. So if you hire me, you'll get a great worker. Or writer (hello? publishing world? can you hear me now?). Give me a deadline and I will meet it barring death or major catastrophe.

Trust me on this. I won't let you down.

But the writing world doesn't operate on Christine Time. It operates on a time wheel which I have yet to understand. I don't like this time wheel. It's maddening to me. And waiting. Oh, the endless waiting and waiting and waiting drives me insane.

Over the weekend--after embracing positivity--I had a huge meltdown over it. By Sunday I was ready to QUIT. Yes. QUIT. Seven plus years--four of them extremely high paced--of shooting for the stars, the moon, the sun. Countless dollars spent on conferences, contests, classes, workshops, membership dues, travel, proper clothing, paper, pens, office equipment, gas, hotels, postage. Hours upon hours slaving over stories that might never be read.

It all seemed like a grand waste of my time on Sunday. I ranted about my frustration. My beasts of fear and doubt raging through me and out of me in great bursts. I rebelled. I began shopping on-line. I went to stores and looked at pillows. I did anything BUT the writing.

The Physicist just nodded. He didn't try to fix it (good man that Physicist). The CPs just texted me with little one liners and LOLs and gentle reminders about how I can't control anything but the writing and submitting. And then I came to meet myself in the mirror of all my angst and anger and anxiety.

And I said to myself, OK, you've hit the lowest point. Now what? Well, there's nothing else for me folks.

I have to write. I can't not write. I want to win. I will find a new way to achieve my goals while continuing to work on the manuscripts. I will surround myself with positive, loving, understanding people who GET ME and MY DREAMS. I will not give up despite my weaknesses as a person and a writer.

I do embrace positivity. I also embrace the fact that sometimes I will need more than my own will to get through the dark days. I will need my friends and my support system in place.

Surround yourself with people who support you. Don't just embrace positivity. Embrace people who can be positive FOR YOU.

I Blogged on Petit Fours & Hot Tamales

Today I debuted on Petit Fours & Hot Tamales and shared My Success Story. Come visit me and say hello.

:-)

Dive In and Start Swimming

I once had the privilege of hearing Nora Roberts speak at the Romance Writers of America National Conference. She was the keynote luncheon speaker, and she gave an "author chat" later that day, too. Her books are too many to count and she is very dedicated to her career.

What's her secret? Just write.

What's her message to people who give excuses and stay on the sidelines? Get in the pool and start swimming.

This message is true for anyone pursuing any activity or goal. If you want to do something and achieve something, please don't sit around and make excuses for not doing it. This is just another way of avoiding the possibility of failure. We've all been there. We've all failed. The trick is to move beyond the failure and keep on trying.

Here's my tip for the week: Whenever you hear yourself saying "I'd like to do this BUT ...." turn around the phrase and say, "Even though this situation exists, I am going to push myself to work toward my goal anyway."

Here's some wonderful excuses I've heard whenever I hear people say they'd like to write a book, or they could write a book, or how easy it is to write a book if only....

They'd do what I've done if only they had enough time. Well we've already discussed the time issue here. They'd do what I've done if only they didn't have a day job. I've got friends who work full time and write and raise families. Somehow they manage to make the time. They'd do what I've done if only they had no health problems, no people tugging for their attention, no family members sick, no... no... no...

Hmmmm. I see a pattern here. A pattern punctuated by one word. The word "no" is ringing in my ears. If only? If only is another way of saying "no." "But" is another way of saying "no."

Turn this around. Tell yourself "yes." Yes, I will make the time. I will set aside a place for my dream. I will go for it. I will push through the litany of words that hold me back from achieving my true potential. I will seek out the joy of pursuing my dream despite the possibility of failure. I will push through the disappointments and letdowns until I emerge victorious.

Fabulous Friday Blog Roll

Okay, Listen Here (not just because the recipes posted were amazing--great group of inspiring ladies)

The Character Therapist (great info about real life behaviors we can incorporate into our characters)

The Edited Life (Gwen has a sidebar about Scrivener that is very helpful)

Seekerville (this blog has a lot of great advice and inspirational stories)

Don't Pet Me, I'm Writing (just super funny)

Debut Novel Contest Comment Winner is Anne Gallagher!!

Taking Time Off

This weekend one of the first friends I made in the USA is celebrating her only child's graduation from HS. Wow! We knew each other before children, before many moves, before life happened and more. For a time, we were unable to see each other due to busy lives and lack of proximity. But a recent move back to the South, has given us a new opportunity to rekindle our friendship. 

Our husbands get along beautifully and our children (my daughter and her son) have grown beyond the *ooh that baby is so annoying to me* stage to genuinely liking each other. Last night we attended his graduation party. The Weather Gods were kind and rain didn't fall on us during the outdoor event. It was a wonderful celebration of a passage into a new life.

My DH said it was like stepping into a time machine as we hadn't been able to visit them more than twice while we were in DC for the 9 years we lived in the Nation's Cap. Well, now all the friends are older, her father is slowed by stroke, nieces and nephews are ready to bolt into the world as well, and we're all a little chubbier and a whole lot more responsible than we were back in the day.

We reminisced, we sang, we danced (live band), we ate, we drank wine, we watched a montage of the grad's life. We celebrated!

My husband and I, my friend and her husband--we are transitioning into a quieter time and approaching the twilight of our lives. But our children, they are ready to embrace the very exciting beginning of their future! Their suns are at the zenith. Anything is possible--yes anything even in this day of economic turmoil, war, and looming reports of global warming. 

I am optimistic for them. For when we started out on our journeys, we were dealing with recession, inflation, wars, and looming reports of global COOLING! 

We survived. We thrived. But we are no longer cocky about why we are still standing. For in the memories we share we know of lost souls due to alcoholism & drug abuse, and of departed loved ones due to accident or disease through no fault of their own, and we know that we are the lucky ones. 

Yes we worked hard, but we have also had our own share of troubles and bad times.  But we celebrate each victory, large or small because we appreciate the sheer power of the universe in our blessings. 

And we know when we wake up each and every morning, we have the divine opportunity to choose how we live during that day. Will we strive to make our world a better place and still shoot for the moon? Will we strive to be a blessing and an encouragement to others? Will we strive to give thanks for all we have? And will we strive to be happy and optimistic and hopeful even in our darkest hours?

We may not always succeed perfectly, but it is in our striving to land in on the moon that we continue fly among the stars.