Thursday, February 25, 2010

Writing When Life Stinks

Well, today was one of those stinky days. This happens. This is life. Life happens. And sometimes when life happens, well it just plain stinks.

This morning my darling cat Clancy woke up with blood coming from her eye--she's eighteen -- so no drastic measures, but gosh darn it I don't want my girl to suffer. Many many many -- did I say MANY tears on the way to the Vet. Dear Lord, my cat who is usually the sweetest and most lovable love bug got labeled "feisty" by the Vet cause she did not enjoy all the poking and probing and generally undignified way in which she was handled.

Now I know she is "just a cat." But she is my buddy. She is my constant shadow and companion and I've had her since she was 6 weeks old. Sure, I'm not going to do drastic life-saving stuff at this point, but I don't want her to be in pain or suffer either.

You see, I thought she'd just kind pull a "Clancy" and just one day fall asleep and go to Cat Heaven. And that would have been sad, but not as hard as seeing her hurting so bad.

The good news is that my writing companion of ever so many years is on medication to fight what we hope is an infection. She also has pain meds. And she has inhaled a lot of special wet cat food. A treat. But the vet said she can eat whatever she likes. Good. Cause I plan to spoil her.

The bad news is she's likely got a tumor and that just breaks my heart. But we all agreed, the goal is to keep her pain free and to not suffer. So--that's the deal.

Not much writing happened today. A tad. But not much.

The thing is my Darling Husband articulated what was in my heart today -- this so reminded him of his dad who is dying from cancer. How the doctors said, go home and you can eat whatever you like... is that what the end is like? Go home, eat a pie and die? This sucks! And Clancy with her swollen red eye reminded us of his dad with his eye all buggered up by some reaction to a medication. Weird. I know. I am comparing dear Clancy to my dear FIL, but even Darling Hubby was all akimbo over this. We are just so super sad.

But there are these slivers of hope. Hope that the eye is just infected. Hope that DH's dad is going to be around a lot longer than we anticipated. Hope that we will be okay through it all. We will.

But it's hard to write a sentence when these axes are hanging over our heads. Really really really hard.

My only hope is to channel the pain, the sorrow and the fear into my writing. If I can pour my heart out onto the pages, maybe, in some way, I will have done something good in spite of all the bad.


KarenG said...

Christine, that is so sad. I send many good wishes your way that all will be well with your dear pet, and also with your father in law.

Wendy Marcus said...

So sorry to read about your beloved pet. I have a dog I am completely attached to, and I've only had him for 6 years. As hard as it is for us to watch, pets are lucky in that they can be put to sleep to avoid suffering. People don't have it that easy. Having experienced what you are going through with your father-in-law, my thoughts and prayers are with you....and him.

Christine said...

karenG: Thanks so much. It's been such a sad day... and I really have been in denial for a while. I knew she was ailing, but her feisty personality kept me "fooled."

Always a "kitten" is she....

As for Bill, well we are soooooo sad and soooo well... wishing we could add years to our time with him. He's always been such a super supporter of us.

Christine said...

Wendy: thank you so much for your kind words. Pets are so dear--they ask so little and they give so much. I just cuddled with Ms. Clancy (who was named by my DH after TOM CLANCY years ago). She is enjoying her wet cat food and extra snuggles.

My FIL is a dear heart to me in so many ways. I can't bear the idea of losing him. Thankfully he is in NO pain. A true blessing. He's a two times decorated purple heart hero. You can bet I'll find a way to immortalize him in my writing!

Ellen B said...

Christine, I'm so sorry to hear about all this. Facing the loss of a pet is incredibly difficult. I had my cocker spaniel for 12 years, from I was 8 until I was 20, and towards the end it was very tough to watch him getting weaker and finally have to make the decision. I hope that Clancy recovers and you have more time with her.

I've read about your FIL before, and he sounds like such a wonderful man. You guys have been so blessed to know him and I hope the time you have left with him is all that you could hope for.

Christine said...

Hi Ellen: Thanks so much for your kind words. I really appreciate them. Little Clancy is rallying today so I am cautiously optimistic. Honestly, I don't cry often but yesterday I cried boatloads. She is just a dear little companion.

My FIL is a great guy. I try to talk to him at least twice a week. I wish we were closer so we could sit and be with him more often as well as help his wife (not my DH's mom but he's been married to her for 20 years) with the caregiving and running of errands.

There's writing. And then there's LIFE. Life is what we ultimately channel into our writing. I can say my lighthearted contemporary romance with a suspenseful twist is becoming darker emotionally than I had expected.

Gwen Hernandez said...

What a tough week. I hope writing can be a bit of an escape for you. My thoughts are with you, C.

Christine said...

Thanks Gwen--writing is my escape. I try to get something written, anything, just to move the story forward.

Hopefully it all won't be drek when I am done. :-)