Friday, March 9, 2012

Mental Warfare with Myself: Or How I Beat Myself Back Into the Chair

Ah, the inevitable ennui has descended up on me. Part of this is due to travel. Another part is due to worry. And the third part is due to a very nicely worded rejection. Not that I'm sad or mad. I like this person. I would like to work with this person. But I have a feeling my voice may not be a match for her. And that's okay. Really. Because this is business. There will be someone out there who LOVES my voice and then the door will open. And I will still admire and respect this other person for her honesty.

But the sting still sits under my skin and I am creatively avoiding my revisions. Which isn't good. Well, I'm sort of avoiding them. It seems the closer I get to achieving my dream, the harder it gets to move past the "no's." And I find myself questioning the time and energy I put into this writing deal a lot more.

It's war.

It's me against me.

It's doubt and fear against courage and drive.

So here's how the days start when I am in a mental battle with moi. First I lie in bed and I mull other possible career options which might be easier to accomplish than trying to get published. I've come up with a few:

*macrame art utilizing spaghetti noodles as the base for the knots
*knitting mittens with the leftover spaghetti noodles
*stringing pearls onto a necklace that has no knot at the end
*capturing mud covered piglets and returning them to their mommas
*sewing Tinkerbell's outfits with a small needle and thread

By the time I get to Tinkerbell, I remember that ALL I NEED IS FAITH, TRUST AND A LITTLE BIT OF PIXIE DUST!!

As my dear friend and critique partner told me one day after a frenetic round of rejections, if we quit writing we reject ourselves.

So that's it in a nutshell. There are NO EASY ANSWERS. This business IS SLOWER THAN A SNAKE DIGESTING AN ELEPHANT, and the only thing I have control over IS WRITING AND SUBMITTING.

And usually, by the time I crawl through the mental debris and flack and empty shot shells, I discover a saving grace or a timely note of encouragement or an affirmation that I'm not a total hack.

Bottom line: keep your eye on the prize. One day you will win.

Or die trying.

And that's better than not trying at all.


Kellie Kamryn said...

the days I felt like giving up, I'd do something else - be with my kids, clean, go for a walk... I just remind myself why I like to write and why I have to do it. You'll get there! Faith goes a long way :)

Christine said...

Hi Kellie: thanks for the great advice and encouragement. I am glad I went shopping today. I also enjoyed watching the Teen's acting group whoop butt in the South Eastern Theater Competition. And now I'm back in the chair. One word at a time. One page at a time. One book at a time.

Dang. I'm a soap opera.